Nothing to fight

Yesterday my head started to hurt me. I’ve got a mild sunburn on my shoulders and neck, and I thought that’s where it came from. Later on I reckoned it was a mild migraine, but then I realized I could look straight into the sun without so much as blinking one eye. So a migraine it was not.

This morning I just couldn’t get out of bed. I felt so tired and my body just wanted to lie down. Lie flat. Not moving.
But I got up anyway. I’ve got a dog and he needs food, water and some walking every once in a while. So we walked a little stretch.

As I came home and settled in front of the computer, I was sweaty and feeling cold. Just minutes later I had to unshoe my feet, because I was seriously overheating all of a sudden.

And that’s when I knew: I’m down with some virus of some sort. As soon as I realized, I stopped the struggle against the overall fatigue. I yawn when I feel like it. I burp and sigh when opportune, to ease the sickness in my stomach somewhat. I rub my eyes as they prick and burn a bit. I support my head with my hands, because it feels heavy. I try to find focus on what I’m reading or writing, but fail to do so half of the time and then I just don’t read. And soon I’ll probably lie down for a while and try some sleep again.

Not fighting this. Just feeling sick and feeling okay with that. That’s fine as I am finding out right now. It’s cool to feel sick. Feeling sick is just another expression of life as it unfolds.

Not fighting what offers itself is quite new to me. I’m some sort of crusader. If I have nothing to fight for or over, I feel like I’m wasting my time and energy. From as far back as I can remember I have this urge to see to it that everyone is done justice (or what I deem to be justice) and at the same time all and everyone sticks to a fixed set of rules to keep life simple for all. Sticking to the rules included me of course. And coming down with some illness made me feel vulnerable, unable to perform, unjustly treated, and unable to stick to the rules I held for important. So feeling sick was something I would fight with all my might. That never really helped me of course.

And now this. Feeling sick, slowing down, taking it easy. Just see to it that the body gets rest and proper nourishment. And outside the sickness, enjoy what else is there, like the presence of the dog and the beautiful weather of the early summer that is right here right now.

Nothing to fight for or over. Nothing to fight with. Heaven on earth. Being sick in bed is easy to recognize Nirvana revisited.

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About Jikai

Living a life of blessed less where my feet support my walk and my hands create my story. View all posts by Jikai

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