Last week was the first time after the deception of leaving the Monastery, that I went back there and meditated with the group. Tonight I’ll go again. I’ll change into my meditation clothes, walk 45 minutes and sit with the ones with whom it somehow didn’t work out.
Walking over there last week was somehow painful. At several moments I wanted to turn around and head back home. But the need for a and the need for a teacher were stronger and I continued my walk through the rain. And as I sat silently in my wet clothes, leaving a funny looking mark on the when I got up, I felt home was exactly were I was. And as I walked home afterwards, I cried.
I have no idea what the struggle is about. I Just don’t want to sit alone all the time. I’m too much of a beginner and need the crowd to hang on to, to help me discipline myself in my training.
So today I got into my sitting clothes for the first time after I left the Monastery. The body has a memory of its own and tells me to quiet down now that it feels my samu-gi it is.on my back and around my neck. I wear my jacket and not my robes. Not yet. It might be too awkward to walk back and forth in my robes just for two sits and a talk in between. I don’t mind how other people perceive me, but I have to keep in mind that walking outside in my robes effects the Zen center too. So
And now the waiting starts. In half an hour I will start my walk to the Zen center. I’ll sit, walk, sit again. And then I’ll walk home.
There, nothing to it.