Fooling myself. I’m fooling myself if I keep saying that I’m not angry, not disappointed, that I don’t feel grief, don’t feel sadness, not feel deeply hurt and am in a lot of pain and lost a lot of my self confidence.
Fooling myself. I’m fooling myself if I don’t acknowledge the feeling of being misled, abused, maltreated.
There is only one thing I want in life for myself at this moment: a thorough Zen training in a Zen Monastery. I want to be an
I gave up all I had. A house, a job, a pension plan, three cats I madly loved, most of my stuff, a way of living. All my safety and security for the moment and the future. All gone.
And I left home and I set myself up in a new and strange environment to start my training.
I left home.
And since then I’m lost. I find myself in a world that doesn’t work for me anymore and I don’t know how to fit in. Never got to be an 雲水. Didn’t even come close. There is no flowing, no drifting. Just being lost. I don’t know where my feet are supposed to carry me anymore.
I’d rather have blisters.