Feeling empty is not really being empty at all. Feeling empty is being full of inertness, full of a feeling numb, full of tiredness. It is like the space between the 4 millimeter long hairs on my head. That is not empty either. It is full with warm air and as I brush my head with a hand I can feel the air being replaced by colder air.

I feel rotten. I gave up everything I had. My house, my livelihood,  the three most wonderful cats in the world. And I’m left with nothing but a shattered dream. I wish I could start anew. But I don’t have the resources anymore. I would buy myself a ticket to Japan and go into a Monastery big enough for my ego and train, work and study hard and become an 雲水 ?. I don’t even need that much. Maybe €1.500 or €2.000. That’s all. Some people wouldn’t even notice if that amount is gone from their bank account. But I don’t have it to spare. So how do I go about this?

For now I’ll just sit tight and grit my teeth and put my tongue firmly against the palate of my mouth. There is nothing I can do. Take a small step at the right moment. Movement, even slow movement, is still movement.

And maybe I’ll come to peace with how  it is now. Maybe I’ll touch that emptiness that I need to make use of my life better than I can do at this moment. Emptiness as a state of being, doing, living. Just being alive and breathe.


About Jikai

Living a life of blessed less where my feet support my walk and my hands create my story. View all posts by Jikai

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